hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
