The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
