Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
