Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
