So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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