i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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