My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
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