That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
