Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
