I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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