Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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