Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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