the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just forgot I was standing up.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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