Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
