the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
