thus making me awesome and them whores
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
