Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
