is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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