I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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