My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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