he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
