I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
