I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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