if i can run in heels then i can drive
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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