He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
