i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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