Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
