yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
porn star boner night. come get it.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
