he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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