Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
