He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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