Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
