Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
