i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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