You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
