Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
