when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Enjoy the penises
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
