Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
