you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
