hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
