Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We need to get me chipped asap
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
