So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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