I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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