Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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