My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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