Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Randomize
