If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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