We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I had to cum in my sink.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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