I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
