Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
