Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
